http://www.pleonast.com/user/this_old_man recent pleonast.com entries by user this_old_man en-us http://www.pleonast.com/user/this_old_man?l=5&entryID=615815 Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower. 2009-01-05 http://www.pleonast.com/user/this_old_man?l=5&entryID=615114 The judge passed the bailiff a note: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone." The bailiff rushed out of the room. Minutes later, the paramedics arrived asking for the stroke victim. Pointing to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room, the judge said to the bailiff, "I was thinking someone from building maintenance ..." 2009-01-02 http://www.pleonast.com/user/this_old_man?l=5&entryID=614181 A oracle and a sorceress both lived in a Middle East country. While the sorceress claimed great powers, she was never able to demonstrate them. Because of this, the soothsayer constantly ridiculed her in public. This caused her reputation to suffer and she lived in poverty because she could make no money from her unique talent. Then, one day, the seer ridiculed her in a particularly vicious way. Thoroughly incensed, the sorceress hurled a curse at him. Instantly, he became a large seagull. Remarked a bystander, "That's the first time she's ever been able to tern a prophet!" 2008-12-30 http://www.pleonast.com/user/this_old_man?l=5&entryID=613683 We walked into the classroom, a test paper was waiting for us on on the desk. The question were: #1 -- What is the best selling genre of music in North America? #2 -- List the ingredients of Coca Cola. #3 -- Describe Archimedes father. So, I'm thinking to myself, "Man, I hate these pop quizzes!" 2008-12-29 http://www.pleonast.com/user/this_old_man?l=5&entryID=613364 After the Ark had successfully landed on Mt. Ararat, the survivors went forth. After a while, one of the wives noticed her father-in-law sitting on the ground and chewing animal hides. Every now and then, the father-in-law would chew a particularly hirsute hide and make a notation on a tablet. The wife asked her husband what his father was doing, to which the son replied, "What can I say? There is Noah counting fur tastes." 2008-12-27 http://www.pleonast.com/user/this_old_man?l=5&entryID=613148 Well ours was...different. My mother-in-law fell the eve of Christmas eve and got a compression fracture in her spine. So we have spent a lot of Christmas in the hospital visiting her. My wife is staying with her so the boys and I had to make Christmas on our own. Both John and Sam got a dremel tool kit and Pete got a PSE Buckeye recurve bow and some arrows. I got a chain maille tie from John that he made (it looks very cool), Sam got me a new lock for my gun room, and Peter got me a new burner for my gas cook ring. I scored pretty good since we declared this a low spending Christmas. My wife got me some retirement type gifts, an outdoor thermometer and a rain gauge. She got a new showerhead from me. I made a big pot of Chili that we grazed on all day. Now we got to clean up the mess before the wife gets home from the hospital. OLD MAN -------------------------------------------------------------- My deer hunter neighbor brought over a 16 lbs. venison haunch so last night I cooked th... 2008-12-26 http://www.pleonast.com/user/this_old_man?l=5&entryID=612589 If athletes get athlete's foot, astronauts get missile toe. A bird dog could be called a point setter. James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus in his novel The Deer Sleigher. What's the difference between a one-winged angel and a two-winged angel? It's a matter of a pinion! It's a matter of my opinion that Yule love the game we're about to play. In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an expression commonly used at Christmastide. Answers repose at the end of this column. 1. On December 24, Adam's wife was known as _____ _____. 2. In Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by the ghost of _____ _____. 3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a _____ _____. 4. What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens? _____, _____, _____ 5. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?: ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. _____, _____ 6. When the salt and the pepper say "Hi!" t... 2008-12-24 http://www.pleonast.com/user/this_old_man?l=5&entryID=612190 Once upon a time Sol the duck met Miriam the duck. Duck hormones soon won out and they fell in love. They got married and eventually had a family of little ducks to follow them around the lake. Two of Sol's offspring were teenaged females who drove him nearly nuts with their incessant chattering. Wherever the family went, the two girls would yakkity yak an endless stream of jabber. (They might have been called jabber-walkies except they actually did most of their loud quacking while they were on the lake swimming...) The family became so well known for the little chatterboxes that other ducks could hear them coming down the shoreline even before they'd rounded the bend -- the noisey quacking told everyone they were approaching. "Here come Sol and his family," they'd say to one another. Well, the lake also experienced frequent fog banks and, unfortunately, boaters often could not see the ducks through the fog. Many ducks were unintentionally run over. The fogs were so thic... 2008-12-23 http://www.pleonast.com/user/this_old_man?l=5&entryID=611843 A Jewish gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing. She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness. He replied, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year." 2008-12-22 http://www.pleonast.com/user/this_old_man?l=5&entryID=611656 Some years ago, I was trying to kill off an ant nest (not fire ants, just some inconveniently located Camponotus). I was young and foolish, and didn't follow the safety instructions... and ended up inhaling quite a bit of the insecticide dust. Yuck! After the diarrhea, pinpoint pupils, and other immediate effects, I was groggy and disoriented, unable to focus or concentrate, for a day or so. Yes, I was getting proper medical treatment... and it was enough of a dose to be unpleasant, but not to be fatal. In any case, after about 36 hours all the immediate symptoms were gone... but I really felt that I had no strength. I couldn't carry anything more than a conversation, and that only on light matters. But I didn't bother asking my doctor about it; after all, it's obvious that ... Sevin Daze makes one weak! 2008-12-21